I had the same problem until recently. It's all about self promotion and being everywhere you can be :. OK, HOW do you know how she comes across to people? I assume you are not present for her interactions with the people she meets. I didn't read anything in her post to suggest that she doesn't share happiness and sorrow with her friends.
You confuse her willingness to express an honest opinion with not being able to "better deal with these things. You offer her pointless and poor advice. Guy's Behavior. MusicGirl Xper 4. I'm 5'8" with blonde hair. I consider myself average-athletic, considering I am an avid equestrian. I like all kinds of music, and am open minded. I live on a ranch so I'm not overtly girly, and am not afraid to get dirty.
I'm confident in myself, and I'm very talented in music I play several instruments and horses, among other things. My problem is, no one ever seems interested in me. Once in a blue moon, someone will express interest, but it quickly fades, and they never talk to me again.
I'm confused as to what I'm doing wrong. I go out to concerts in the park in my hometown, make an effort to befriend people etc. I don't hang out with many people since I don't have many friends so it's not like I'm in a big group, so I'm hard to approach. I'm nice to people, and am outgoing.
If someone asks me my opinion, I will give them my honest feeling in a polite manner, although some people take it the wrong way because they might be overly sensitive. Anywho, if anyone has any ideas, please let me know. For example, you may get along with some people in your university residence, but because you aren't into dancing they don't invite you out when they go clubbing. Another group of friends may play basketball on the weekends.
You may play too, but not at their level, so asking you to come wouldn't really work out. It's not personal really. They may even assume you'd be bored and are not inviting you out of consideration. The situation that's fixable is when you just don't appear that you're into a certain activity. A fairly common example is when someone in college would have no problem going to a party, but because they come across as more conservative and buttoned-up people assume they're not down for that kind of thing.
If they clarified they were interested in parties they may start getting more invitations. Or a group of friends could like going to see live music. Because you've never mentioned anything yourself about liking to watch bands, the idea of inviting you along never crossed their minds.
Sometimes you'll go out with some new people and it just won't go very well. Often the reason isn't that dramatic. The compatibility and rapport just wasn't there. On occasion someone may make more obvious mistakes that really cut off the chance of future invitations coming their way. Like they may embarrass themselves by drinking too much and acting like a try-hard goofball. Although it can be a great place to meet friends, some people get confused when they try to hang out with their co-workers and don't get a lot of positive responses.
Some reasons this may be are: The co-workers are just putting in their time. They see work as a place to tolerate so they can make money, not a social mixer.
You may be great if they got to know you, but that's not something they care about giving a chance. They've already got friends outside the office, and have their blinders on toward making more.
They've got a family to go home to and are too busy to meet new people or hang out once the day is over. They may be open to making friends in theory, but being at their crummy job sours their outlook just enough to make it a no go. Your co-workers may be judging you on your relatively boring, dull, "professional" demeanor, and not the real you. University classes can be the same.
Obviously the environment is one of the best places to make friends , but not everyone you meet is into that. Some of the students you'll come across are just there to show up, take their notes, and leave.
They may already have friends or a relationship that keeps them busy. If they're from the area they may already have established lives outside school. At work, school, or at a club someone may have no problem chatting to you for a few minutes here and there, but at the same time they don't see you as someone they want to hang out with for longer or in a different situation.
Casually passing the time as you sit around the break room or wait for the professor to arrive is one thing, but they may not think you have enough in common to hang out on Saturday night. Plus at work or school we're more or less obligated to be civil to the people we find ourselves with, while in our spare time we can be choosier about our company. Another of these situations can be "hanging out in a group". Someone may enjoy having you around when you're part of the mix at larger get togethers, but not see themselves being closer one-on-one buddies.
If you're confused because you have interesting chats with someone every time the whole group meets up, but they make excuses whenever you invite them to hang out alone, that may be what's going on. I'm Chris Macleod. I've been writing about social skills for fifteen years. I was shy, awkward, and lonely until my mid-twenties and created this site to be the kind of guide I wish I'd had at the time.
I'm trained as a counselor. Once a month I meet up with three other single women, and we each take turns picking the restaurant.
We all take pride if not a competitive spirit in selecting our destinations simply to delight the other three. You might be more familiar with this event as date night. Baking is a nice, little thing I can do for myself — by myself. I keep a small pharmacy on hand in the event of an illness. I have to find ways to give myself what I need, to make moments large and small more meaningful to me. I want us to take an active role in our own happiness. I want us to do things that delight us, bring us joy, and connect us to others who are living the same way.
Because it's fine to be no one's number one, as long as we remember how much we count. We chatted about everything — careers, being single, friendships, etc. Related Stories.
I met my most recent ex while I was in drama school. He was auditioning for a play in which I had already been cast. I recently changed from giving money to my grandchildren for their birthday to taking them to something of their choice, movie etc. I was told if I was going to do that, then not to bother as it was conditional and on my own terms.
Maybe it was but I just wanted to spend an hour with them. I could tell you other stories where my good intentions have been misconstrued and where I have been called selfish and all these events have left me feeling worthless.
I think family can hurt you the most if you let them and I do. Thanks to everyone for all of your comments. Elizabeth, that is called verbal abuse. Either that, or you have very poor social understanding and act in a way that makes people afraid of you etc. If that is the case, you can learn. Nobody is born with social skills, we all learn them from somewhere.
Socially fluent people actually study it under a master or go to school to master their emotional intelligence skills! Elizabeth, I know exactly how you feel! It hurts deeply! No parent should ever be so mean and spiteful, but in reality it happens! These are known as Toxic people! They are set on destruction! Please believe me when I tell you from experience, you are better than they are!
You have to believe in yourself and your kids! Hold your head up high! This is my whole life. I understand all too well and just writing this is exhausting, if anyone gets that. Does anyone get it…? I guess. Leave your mom out for a while and see how she likes it. Tell her everybody hates her see how she feels. No one deserves this. No one wants to hear me when I did try to tell. It was too late because I was already reported.
No one wanted to know why I did some things. Everybody wants to report everybody about any lil thing. No matter how others perceive you, your most important job is to figure out how you truly perceive yourself.
It seems my most avid bedtime routine here lately has been, Step 1- put on PJs. Step 2- cry. I just have to keep telling myself that nobody is worth my pain, and then I can finally get some rest.
God bless Jamil. Stay strong Cora! I will try to do the same as well from now on. We have to stay strong all of us! Ok Seriously, what about when I think everything is great. Again… This as happened all my life! This is very much my story, too. I think the therapists need to concentrate less on what the victims are doing wrong and more on the people who make them victims. Many so-called psychologically healthy individuals are initiating or instigating the hatred towards people who are not as popular as they are.
Yet, the manipulative, popular person passes the litmus test because they have friends. The unpopular person, made unpopular by the actions of other people a twist on the self-fulfilling prophecy myth is left holding the bag.
That has been my experience too, my whole life. In my twenties and thirties, I discovered my sibling and parents had been on vacations without me. I love having fun. I also enjoy staying in and watching movies and taking. I would like adult company sometimes. It hurts my feelings when I find out about my family going on vacations or friends getting together but I was never included. Now I just keep to myself all the time even though I really want to be included.
When I work I have no problem cutting up with people and building relationships. But it ends there. No one talks to me outside of work or away from social media. I feel like an outcast and that no one really cares at all. These same people then have the nerve to criticize me for being depressed. And that makes me feel stupid. I feel for you , the only thing my family value about me , is that they got rid of me.
I just keep studying. Think of going to town where no one knows me at the end when I graduate. Sorry you so lonely , xx Kim. Are we the black sheep , I feel same as you ladies. I feel this same way. However thinking about it I am realizing that is where my inner critic is coming from. All the family outings I was excluded from and the way my family makes me feel like an outcast with their words and behaviors.
I am now determined to prove my inner critic wrong! I also have been considering that when I go into a situation hoping for the best and being friendly and really trying only to be left out and isolated once again…it is highly possible that I am projecting my feeling of dislike toward the new people. Thinking back on the situations it only ever seems to happen when I myself dont enjoy the particular group I am trying to be a part of. What are the rules? This is me to a T.
If I ever go to a party, its cause I invited myself. Noone tries to talk to me, seems its always me that has to make the attempt to talk to people.
I know I am shy but I push myself out there. I see people avoid me. Even my own brother, hugs me when he does see me but we bought a house almost a year ago and he hasnt even seen it yet, even though hes been right up the road. My Mom is a mile away and has only been here maybe 4 times. So much of this article explained the inner thoughts. Sexually molested as a young girl, Emotionally and physically abused also. Everybody was busy, so nobody came.
I ended up feeling worse about myself in the end. Kinda proved that inner voice right that no one liked me. My shrink says I need to go out and find nice people.
I keep asking her how. I seem to have bad luck with it and just keep getting hurt. I feel the exact same way. I smile at everyone and I go into situations feeling positive and confident- not overly- yet no one includes me in anything.
I need to start being a jerk in order to dazzle people and leave some sort of lasting impression. What you wrote is almost exactly how I feel too!
I am certainly not perfect, but I perceive myself as a genuine, courteous, kind, generous person with a healthy sense of humor. I love to laugh with others not at others. I also perceive that most of the time when I attempt to interact with a group of people that I am always the one no one cares to listen too.
I am careful not to dominate but if I speak even three words, someone will always interrupt me and it is as if I am just a ghost nobody notices.
But I have tried being obnoxious to see if that would get me heard at least…but the reaction from the group when I do that is someone calls me out to put me in my place and I end up humiliated. Then feel really stupid for acting obnoxious against my nature. When I simply raise my voice to be heard I feel that people are looking at me like I am some kind of freak. What about if you are really lonely and it is not only a state of mind? There are a lot of people around me and I can get them like me if I want to.
Oh I do relate to you , we try but would like to be heard too. I hear you! I am the same way. I always go out of my way to be helpful, considerate to others. I feel that is is very easy for people to abuse this strength of ours.
Cause that is how I see it, a curse, and a strength at the same time. I am currently in a rough situation after coming out of a 12yr relationship that left me completely drained and empty. Any contact that I have with them is because I initiate it. It makes me feel even more unloved. It makes me incredibly said that the only emotional outlet available to me, is one that I need to pay for You are understood, at least, by me.
Lounik, try to get away from having to lie. Remember that humans used to live in groups of or less—Imagine how few people of our age group there used to be! Now we at least have internet so you can discuss your interest in a group or something.
Unfortunately it seems that the more you give to a loved one the more they take, the less you ask for the less they give to you. I know exactly how this feels. My band is Annie and My whole life I felt that there was something seriously wrong with me that everybody knew about but know one talks about. I was never popular but had some friends. I did sports and piano too. In my team no girls ever talk to me, I was very lonely so I quit.
I moved to US when I was I finished my BS in biology and got into pharmacy school and got my doctorate degree there. People sitting next to my ask about medications from someone else and ignoring me as a drug expert. Recently our friend finish her nursing degree which is only 2 year program and all of the sudden everybody listens to her advise and completely ignoring me.
Sometimes it brings a teat to my eyes. I know and feel very competent and my decisions always been excellent in my career but somehow people just ignore me. I always have negative thoughts and visions and always imagine the worse. I have been devolved for 6 years and no one asked me out. People sometimes think me and my 13 year old daughter ate sisters.
I try to read and educate myself, increase my self esteem, be positive but nothing changes in my life. I cry sometimes because I feel very very lonely insight. I try very hard to please everybody all the time. I take my parents and my daughter to Europe every year for vacation, I put my daughter to private school since she was pre-schooler , I try to surprise my family with nice gifts but inside I feel very empty.
There is nothing in my life that gives me back something. My parents do their best for me, help me with my daughter and give me love but I still feel very empty. I think not being able to meet any guy who would show an interest in my really bothers me a lot. When I go to parties or professional mixers I stay completely invisible.
I already tried auto suggestion that I am pretty and smart and well deserved but the reality shows me something very different. Annie, My heart breaks for you as I read your words. I was struck by the eighteenth sentence you wrote above — if that is true, you might be interested in this article about the scientifically-supported study of positive emotions and thought, and your power over creating them. Good luck and much love. Please know that you DO make a difference in this world….
I just recently moved away from home and started college. It is the end of my first semester away at college and I feel very very lonely, anxious, and depressed. Being in a whole new surrounding with new people makes me anxious and also makes me realize that I have had this inner voice my whole life. I would say that your greatness is hard for the average person to be around, and, although unintentional, you surface their deepest insecurities. When they compare themselves to you, they feel bad about themselves, which makes you feel bad about yourself.
Makes sense? Thank you for your kinds thought however I am afraid those are not true. I have tried every kind of literature and outogussestion but I feel nothing is helping me how I feel. Again, I would like to thank you for your thoughts and hope one day I will figure out what is wrong with me.
Accepting yourself as normal human who like to be part of human community, there is no shame in showing interests, even when it misfires.
You know the nerdy king, the engineers and computer scientists. There are lots of people who gravitate toward each other for reasons that may be mysterious even to themselves.
Lastly, check out with a psychologist if you can afford it for a few hundred bucks, if it really bothers you why you are seen invisible. I really appreciate your advise and recommendations. I think you are absolutely right about me trying hard. I try hard meeting people, I try hard pleasing people. Thanks again. You may look so confident that people are afraid to approach you. Could this be the case? Annie: I was you.
You must dedicate your life to change. Inner work comes first. You are not the opinions of others. Happiness is mostly a choice. There are endless battles to be fought, and many people quit after just losing one. Persistence is key. You can reprogram habits and better perspectives into your mind within several months. When I had enough, and dedicated every single moment, right now, to being in control of my thoughts and emotions, I started seeing real results. My depression and social anxiety is normal now.
I am much healthier in ever aspect because I do the work to get that health.. I welcome challenges. I found peace and self-love.. I am still invisible. I never fit in with those people anyway. But I am a human like everyone else, and although introverted, I do enjoy the company of others at times. That is normal. So I understand the frustration. Human beings get really out of whack when it comes to seeking social worth, but in the end, as valuable as it can be, it is still an illusion.
You decide your worth. You must learn to be a warrior of life and enjoy it, and you can, but you have to dig deep down and do a lot of introspection. Sounds like you put a lot of your worth into the opinions of your parents, comparing yourself to your brother, and mixed with a lot of real or delusion when it comes to the opinions of others. Understand deep in your soul: you are not the opinions of others.
Put on a happy song, think back to one of your happier times.. Use it every day for the rest of your life. Thank you so much John! I deeply appreciate your thoughts and it made a lots of sense to me. Thanks again! The hole in your life might be filled with His love. I love the Lord. Amen Mike! God Bless you for saying that. I feel that everyone I am around family included tries to bring me down. I have constant hate from my family. They call me lazy, selfish, etc.
You are not the opinions of others, even your parents. I really relate to it. But I just dont know how to keep that momentum going once it starts to work.
Eventually my mood just shifts and throws me off track, and i spiral down again. I feel like people tend to seek friendship with other who have a crowd around them. My loneliness is working against my chances finding friends.
Oh hi Fred , I understand , it really sucks hey , really hurts. Makes it easier to tell the truth of how things are not so good for us , instead of pretending.
Thanks again for your touching post , Kim. Im actually surprised how many people feel the way i do. Once in a while i feel good for no reason, and i just accept it and savor those moments. I look forward to reading more and learning how to silence the negative self hatred. Remember how people at school would gather around a victim and bully them? How everyone snubbed the unfortunate person because it was uncool to befriend them? Well these same people grew up to become the adults of today.
They carried the same nagative values into adult life, the same mental idea that it is okay to tread on other people to remain popular, to reach the top — and that is exactly where they are! I was one of those victims. Take a step back and consider modern behaviour in adults today: A spoiled generation who care little about everything from environmental destruction to the well-being of their own children.
A throw-away age that also includes people. In fact, I think they should change. No man wants to stay with me, despite all my efforts. They seem to b crazy about me and then all of a sudden.. The wicked thought am going to die lonely and afraid keeps reoccurring!!
This article does an admirably accurate job describing how awful this experience feels emotionally. To me, this makes a lot more organic sense than doing battle with ourselves. Most of us have had enough of that— and these aspects are trying to help us, not hurt us.
My mother died 3 years ago and I have no contact with my father. I have very few friends and am becoming so lonely I just wish life would hurry up and end. I work full time and even though my manager and team mates always praise me I feel excluded and different and the more lonely I become the more difficult I find it to talk to people.
I spend most weekends alone in the house. I have borderline personality disorder and the voice has completely taken over. It keeps me inside a lot of the time and I have no opportunities to make friends. Hope you get to come and read this. Hope you and the baby is going well. What caught my attention most about your comment is when you talk about losing your personality because I have been there.
I suffer from loneliness as well but feel that I am getting better over the years. I am getting much better but still battle with these emotions and feel that God Is showing me that I will never truly find happiness trying to relate to people.
I have lived by myself twice and which people and in all my cases this feeling of loneliness never died. Now I am about to live on my own again and I am prepping myself to deal with the thoughts of loneliness that I know that I will feel.
Just recently after all these years of my father not being in my life I just found out that he committed suicide a couple of years back and it has also made me deal with myself a lot because many years of negative through will take you to a very bad place. I refuses to let the devil get in that much and it will always start with people. While I do believe that we can find truly loving worth while people and connections in life it can take a life time and depends on the quality of selection.
I am still healing and moving foward and still a lot if defeating thoughts of not being liked or feeling alone but I do put more effect of talking myself off of the ledge. I do have a partner but I am not always happy with the attention or quality time that I am getting and still contemplate about letting the relationship go.
My of these concepts of live and connecting with people that we learn are illusions that turn into delusions over all it is about balance. I have had the same experiences in life. At work people will talk about going to happy hour right in front of me and never invite me! Right now my boss only included my coworker in meetings, planning, and we do the same exact job.
I recently found out that I am on the autism spectrum, high functioning, what used to be called asberger syndrome. I have a heck of a time connecting with people. I too noticed that some people who no one likes because of bad behavior are included. I think it is because while they r annoying, they are real, alive, and connecting with others. Knowing there is a reason for my angst has helped. Wow…and I thought I was possesed or that I had a sign on my back that warned others to stay away from me!
Well I feel better now knowing that all you good and sensitive people are senceing what I am.
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